I almost can't believe I just wrote that, and totally tried to lie, I love to be alone, and if given the chance would be a hermit. I'm 97.9% serious. I don't like to have face to face conversations with people, it makes me nervous and then I go home and analyze everything I've said...I despise the phone, bumbling over myself like an idiot. I'm not too far gone to realize these are complete self-perceptions, but remain they may.
I guess I meant I've never been particularly good at being lonely.
And sometimes that happens in a crowded room, or alone in my house, or stuck in front of my computer...I feel the lack of affect from not feeling. I don't that makes sense. Reminds of the song "The Tin Man" by The Avett Brothers and the chorus:
I miss it
I miss it
I miss that feeling of feeling
the feeling of feeling
I wonder how many people go through this. Smiling, laughing, participating, talking, engaging but missing the feeling of it all. I don't want to live like that. I have so many memories to make with my children, and not because I feel guilty that I only get to see them half the time. True, lasting memories. And I want to feel what that is like. Every second of it.
I know...another quote from Eat Pray Love, but it really is quite a fantastic book and you should read it....
this is what I'm striving for....
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
Wow. This is so true. And unfortunately, so very very hard to do.
I'll be working on it, learning my way around it, and just sitting with it.
And so as not to appear completely dark, I'll post a few oldies that make me happy
And so as not to appear completely dark, I'll post a few oldies that make me happy
and hope they spark some feeling that lasts
life isn't always going to feel this way, right?
right.
2 comments:
I haven't checked in on your site for awhile, but today I am taking some time for me. I can so relate to your musings, to give you my observations on your question "Does it ever go away?" My answer would be,"no", we learn to live with it or around it. Sometimes I find myself so immersed in the 'lonely place' that Simon and Garfunkel's "I am a Rock" is my theme song. I know that I'm showing my age by going back to a song like this. At some time the 'lonelies' become a part of who we are. Love you, keep hanging in there. Becky
You know I completely 100% relate to this - especially that part about analyzing everything I say. I've never felt that way with you, though, and not just because you're my sister and you HAVE to love me. ;)
I noticed recently that I live my life in the third person. I'm never really PRESENT in the moment. Does that make sense? I don't know - I just know what you're saying makes sense to me. "Loneliness is the human condition" (White Oleander) and I'm still learning to accept it, while trying to still allow myself to FEEL - even the bad stuff.
I'm glad you're back here writing.
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