Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
the toy I always wanted...
Bet you you didn't know you could be jealous of your five year old did you? Ohh...yes. My little girl received the gift I pined for in my childhood, but never got....the Easy Bake Oven. Oh, I cannot even describe the joy. However, far (far!) away from my childhood, I must say, really the thing is a piece of crap. Cooking with a lightbulb? What? But to my Katie, this was the REAL thing....and so I did my best to set up to make a cake just like I would.
Complete sidenote--I purposed in my heart a long time ago that I wanted to be the kind of mom that actually DID the things she promised. I've realized how quickly, the words "next time" or "tomorrow" pass my lips, and then get lost in the mundane daily activities. I want to stop saying "in a little while" or "go play with your toys."
So, despite the incredible annoying-ness that actually comes with said Easy Bake Oven...bake we did that night! And she had a blast. The cake tastes kind of like an old pancake, but to her it tasted like the finest cake in all the world. And thats what made me the most happy.
waiting...not so patiently :)
Complete sidenote--I purposed in my heart a long time ago that I wanted to be the kind of mom that actually DID the things she promised. I've realized how quickly, the words "next time" or "tomorrow" pass my lips, and then get lost in the mundane daily activities. I want to stop saying "in a little while" or "go play with your toys."
So, despite the incredible annoying-ness that actually comes with said Easy Bake Oven...bake we did that night! And she had a blast. The cake tastes kind of like an old pancake, but to her it tasted like the finest cake in all the world. And thats what made me the most happy.
waiting...not so patiently :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
this gives me hope.
A long time ago (though many days, it still feels like yesterday) my sister gave me a necklace of hers to wear during a very difficult time in my life. It was a simple necklace, a hammered circle of silver with four distinct letters engraved in the center....HOPE.
And it gave me hope. I wore it every day during my difficullt divorce and when the papers were signed, and agreements were finally made, I took it off, now tarnished and perhaps even worn smooth in places my fingers had unconsciously rubbed it, over and over again...and gave it back to her, during a time when she needed hope.
In the 30 (gasp! I admitted it!) years I have known her, she's given me a lot of hope, and a lot of grace.
And this picture, this picture gives me HOPE.
That it will all be worth it. That one day, I will wear a cap and gown again, and enter a whole new life.
Thank you for making me believe.
And it gave me hope. I wore it every day during my difficullt divorce and when the papers were signed, and agreements were finally made, I took it off, now tarnished and perhaps even worn smooth in places my fingers had unconsciously rubbed it, over and over again...and gave it back to her, during a time when she needed hope.
In the 30 (gasp! I admitted it!) years I have known her, she's given me a lot of hope, and a lot of grace.
And this picture, this picture gives me HOPE.
Thank you for making me believe.
Monday, January 24, 2011
.
I have realized that the past and future are real illusions,
that they exist in the present,
which is what there is
and all there is.
I'm going to need some time on this one.
And that's going to have to be okay.
Cause I'm just not sure
it should be this hard
to feel loved.
And that's going to have to be okay.
Cause I'm just not sure
it should be this hard
to feel loved.
Friday, January 21, 2011
who am I kidding?
I hate even clicking the link to my blog, somehow embarassed that it has gone neglected for far too long. I have piles of pictures, events galore to describe, retell, preserve for my (and my children's) memories.
But really, who am I kidding? Maybe someday I'll post some of those pictures, but for now I'm deciding no more back-blogging. (I also reserve the right to change my mind :)
Today, I'm tired. I'm tired of telling my 4 year old son that he can't talk so loud because mommy is listening to an online lecture about Human Physiology and she doesn't understand a single word she is listening to, and quite frankly, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I don't want to tell him to go play. I want to play with him. And that hurts my heart.
Eric went back to work, which is a really good, awesome thing for him, for me, for our family...but it leaves me in charge of the "homefront" and I have NO idea who thought that was a good idea. Anxiety has nestled into my life, placing itself squarely on my shoulders the moment I wake up, and curling around my mind at night. How will I ever do this?
What if I didn't make the right decision? What if I'm missing the best? The best moments KJ and Carter will ever have. I don't know how to answer that question right now....but I'm praying for some peace and some confidence that showing my kids what it means to say you are going to do something and then follow through will be worth something. That they will know what it means to work hard. But I really just want them to know that their momma loves them more than anything. And it's my fear that keeps me from embracing this.
I hate fear. In fact, I just want to turn it off. I know it can't stay gone forever...but maybe just for a little while. No fear, no anxiety, no tossing and turning, no second guessing.
I'll add it to the to-do list. For now, I'm listening to the Sound Transduction by the Inner Hair Cells (YUK) and watching my son play with his Thomas the Train Aqua-Doodle set. And I keep looking over, wishing life was simpler, and I could paint, too.
No more time for whining. Things to do, a person to become, children to raise. And the hope, that maybe, just maybe I'm not screwing it all up.
Okay...maybe just one picture... (or two)
I do NOT intend on being one of them
"when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains"
(curlygirldesignsdotcom)
But really, who am I kidding? Maybe someday I'll post some of those pictures, but for now I'm deciding no more back-blogging. (I also reserve the right to change my mind :)
Today, I'm tired. I'm tired of telling my 4 year old son that he can't talk so loud because mommy is listening to an online lecture about Human Physiology and she doesn't understand a single word she is listening to, and quite frankly, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I don't want to tell him to go play. I want to play with him. And that hurts my heart.
Eric went back to work, which is a really good, awesome thing for him, for me, for our family...but it leaves me in charge of the "homefront" and I have NO idea who thought that was a good idea. Anxiety has nestled into my life, placing itself squarely on my shoulders the moment I wake up, and curling around my mind at night. How will I ever do this?
What if I didn't make the right decision? What if I'm missing the best? The best moments KJ and Carter will ever have. I don't know how to answer that question right now....but I'm praying for some peace and some confidence that showing my kids what it means to say you are going to do something and then follow through will be worth something. That they will know what it means to work hard. But I really just want them to know that their momma loves them more than anything. And it's my fear that keeps me from embracing this.
I hate fear. In fact, I just want to turn it off. I know it can't stay gone forever...but maybe just for a little while. No fear, no anxiety, no tossing and turning, no second guessing.
I'll add it to the to-do list. For now, I'm listening to the Sound Transduction by the Inner Hair Cells (YUK) and watching my son play with his Thomas the Train Aqua-Doodle set. And I keep looking over, wishing life was simpler, and I could paint, too.
No more time for whining. Things to do, a person to become, children to raise. And the hope, that maybe, just maybe I'm not screwing it all up.
Okay...maybe just one picture... (or two)
I do NOT intend on being one of them
"when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains"
(curlygirldesignsdotcom)
you are by far
the BEST things
I've ever done.
the BEST things
I've ever done.