It's coming...I can feel it!

Oh, Indiana weather how you tempt we with your 65 -70 degree days and then quickly dissapoint plummeting back into the 30's and forcing me to wait patiently again for the promise of spring, and even more than that....looking forward to this....

(p.s. this picture was not photoshopped in anyway)

This is a lakehouse night.  Seriously.  I'm not joking.  When we are sitting on our deck, the kids worn out from a day of swimming, but very much looking forward to "roasting smarshmellows," drinking good beer, having great conversations, this is what we see.  And when you see this how can you not just literally suck in all the marrow of life...all of its beauty and peace.  There is no place that I feel more peaceful than the lakehouse. 

I could not be more blessed to have these memories. 

And....my heart is so happy that there are more to come....soon, very soon.  I can just feel it....

And to all my girlfriends:

This year we're having a Girl's Weekend.  It's going to be amazing. 
Stay tuned for more details.   



"Dance first. Think later."

(quote-s. beckett)

This little girl, she teaches me about dancing in the rain.  Albeit quite melodramatic at times, to Katie it's okay to go outside in your favorite dress, flip-flops, and an umbrella to use, you know only if you feel like it.

It's okay to be carefree sometimes.

note to self.

day number thirty...the end.

Wow.  I made it.  Making my blog a sort of priority has been good for me.  It's forced me to think, forced me to write, while at the same time bringing out so many thoughts, memories and feelings, not all of them necessarily "happy".  And I'm okay with that.  Because 30 photos of my life in 30 days is bound to have a few really bad pictures.  I think I'm beginning to learn it's just how life works.

so day thirty...

(a picture of someone you miss)

She has been the subject of more than one of my thirty days, because she was such an impact on me in the two short years I was blessed to have spent with her.  I miss our Mama Deb.  I miss her all of the time, and in specific moments.  I miss her for selfish reasons because I want her here.  I want to talk to her.  Damn it, I want to talk to her.  But I can't.  And that makes me sad.  I miss her for Katie and Carter, because they miss her.  They talk about her, unprompted, all the time.  And I don't know how to give their little hearts solace.  But I promise them that she is watching down on them, and smiling at their lives.  And I believe that. 
Deb, I hope that you would be proud of where life has taken your family since you've gone.  Your impression is felt everywhere, reminders of you in so much of our lives.  Your love lives on.  And I promise you, that will not stop.  Ever.  I miss you.  So very much.

(regrettably the only picture I have of Deb and I together)

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. 

 As long as I can I will laugh with the birds,

I will sing with the flowers,
I will pray to the stars,
for both of us."

anonomyous 

day twenty nine

(a picture of something you're afraid of)

equally feared:

when I was a little kid I slept with the closet light on...oh...until I was at least 17.
now, I love to sleep in the dark.
but that is absolutely IT.

second, I fear being a failure more than anything in the world.  To date, in my 30 years of living, I have failed at my first career, my first marriage, and grad school.  That's a lot of failing.  I think I should have been forced to wear this sign on my head.  But, I won't fail at this.  I just can't. 

day twenty eight

(a picture that can always make you smile)

I didn't bribe them..
Or even ask them...

They just wrapped their little arms around each other and squeezed tight.  I never imagined I would be so blessed to witness a love that pure and innocent.  I am so grateful they have each other.  And I'm grateful I get to be their mom.

this picture always makes me smile...

day twenty seven

(a picture of yourself and a family member)

All the people in this picture=family.

But this is a special picture.

My Grandma Hamilton came to visit (she's in the red shirt), who lives in Washington state (where I was born), and my cousin Lindsay (in the red shirt on the opposite side) came to visit, too, on her way home from grad school on the east coast to head back to her roots in the Pacific Northwest.  My Grandma Smith is also pictured, whose 90th birthday we recently celebrated, and is one of the most amazing women I know.

I'm so happy that my Grandma H. got to be around my kiddos.  It makes me happy to see her smile at their laughter. 

I'm so blessed that my Grandma Smith has loved me every day that she has known me.  What a wonderful grandma she has been to me, and to the kids.

I was estatic to see Lindsay, who was my childhood cousin-best-friend....oh the trouble we got ourselves into!  She is a part of so many precious memories I have of Tacoma. 

I could have picked a lot of family, but the family in this picture means a whole lot. 

day twenty six

(a picture of someone who means a lot to you)

You don't just mean a lot

You mean everything.

It's in moments like these, when I capture you teaching the little girl you have grown to love about your favorite thing...teaching her little tricks, being excited with her when she gets a bite

It's in moments like these when you make the little boy that looks up to you so much giggle...

and most definitely moments like these....

that I realize how much I love you.

for all these moments
and the million more to come.

you mean everything.

day twenty five

(a picture of your day)


I have only two words for you ladies and gentlemen...

MARCH MADNESS.

In this house, it is a madness.  And it's wonderful.  Today it included a pot of chili, my couch, Eric's commentary, and my sister...who I was so glad to be with for the day.

Sunday afternoons don't get much better than this.  

day twenty four

**sorry, I was taking a much-needed computer hiatus after studying endlessly for my first Microbiology test**

(a picture of something you'd like to change)

As a deeply compassionate human being (and aspiring nurse) I want to find a way to help bring peace into the lives of families dealing with premature birth.  Any family.  Any baby.  The NICU is one of the scariest places you will ever enter, but there is so much hope. There is hope.

I know how much the March of Dimes has changed the lives of families dealing with premature birth, because they changed mine.  The medical advancements made by the March of Dimes helped my daughter and son not only to live but to thrive.  The resources made possible by the March of Dimes give so much to scared parents reaching out.  No one prepares to have a premature baby.

I believe in the March of Dimes and will continue to support them in their efforts against premature birth.

But really, most of all, I believe in hope.



(oh...and if you were just dying to know, I got an A- on my test :)

day twenty three

(a picture of your favorite book)


To Kill a Mockingbird will always be my favorite book.  Always.  I daresay that book is the reason I became an English teacher.  Although I read like a rabid dog as a kid, seriously reading everything on all of our bookshelves, and when I grew tired of that, I would reread them.  The Bobbsey Twins, The Boxcar Children, American Girl Series, Anne of Green Gables series, Nancy Drew series...you name it, I was reading it.  I'm not ashamed to admit it, I am a self-professed bibliophile (look it up if you don't know what it means).

But this book...this book changed me.  I know that in part my love for this book is due to my English teacher, who taught it as passionately as I would grow to love it.  I fell in love with Scout, admired her bravery, understood her pain, was jealous of her relationship with her dad and wanted desperately to console her every time she was scared or sad.  It was the first time a book came alive to me.  Harper Lee has always intrigued me, I've always wondered what it must be like to write only one book, and have that book be one of the most celebrated pieces of literature of all time.  She lives in a little town in Alabama, and it's rumored she still has lunch with her sister every week at the local McDonald's. 

That's why To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite book.

And this picture is, rightly, of my favorite book.  But it's my favorite picture for more than just it's title.  It's one of my most treasured possessions...

I know what you're thinking...

umm...that looks kinda old and worn,

how could this be one your most prized possesssions?

one, it is a gift from my father.

enough said.

two, it belonged to my father's mother, a woman I barely know.

three, it is a first edition

that's right...I said it. 

and no matter how much money I need (and I need a lot)

I would never, ever dream of selling this book.

____________________________________________________

and no post about my favorite book(s) would be complete without her...

day twenty two

(a picture that makes you sad)

the little girl that changed our lives forever
and I never got to see her take a breath

and this moment in time
that can never happen againn
she would be so proud that KJ could read to her now...

day twenty one

(a picture of something you want to do before you die)

oh...this one's easy.

one day, before I die

I will fly.

*photo credit Brittany Cristen Taylor of One Way Ticket Photography

day twenty

(A picture of someplace you would love to travel)

Oh, man.  You just had  to go and get this lover of literature all excited...

Shakespeare.

I only read a few plays in highschool, but didn't completely fall in love with his work until college when I took a Shakespeare course where we read the entire Complete Works of William Shakespeare.  Every play, every sonnet...and while a daunting task, one I am so glad I can say I've done.  If I had a "bucket list" that would be on it....and so would be traveling here...

Stratford-upon-Avon, the birthplace of William Shakespeare, home to five houses that Shakespeare himself or Anne Hathaway, or Mary Arden lived in, The Royal Shakespeare Theatre Company....(can you imagine seeing his work performed in front of you while you are sitting in the town where his children ran the streets and laughed?)...be still my beating heart. 

Dork-o....I know. 

Oh, and I think I might just start working on a bucket list...

day nineteen

(a picture of yourself when you were young)

I'm too tired for words tonight.

But I do love these pictures and the memories that go with them.

I miss my Grandpa Hamilton and I wish that he were still here so that my children could know him.

a.  I would like to have hair that long again, please? thank you.
b. melanie's glasses are completely rocking.  I guarantee you there is a stick on earring in the lower left hand corner of the left lens.  little sisters just know these things.
man, I was jealous of those glasses.
no...seriously, I was.

day eighteen

(a picture of someone who has taught you many things of life)

Yes, she's my little sister but she has taught me SO many things about life....

Brittany has taught me that traveling off the beaten path is a lot more fun (and usually smarter).
No one has a Hallmark life, no matter what it looks like.

Sometimes, it's kind of fun to do the impossible.
You can do anything, no matter how much it scares you.
Don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal...it really just makes you an ugly person.
With time comes forgiveness, and with forgiveness, comes healing. 
That the love of family is really paramount to everything else

I have to give credit to my little sister and her love on this one.....to Mark for saying it, and making Britty believe it, and to Britty for repeating it to me enough that I believe it.

YOU DO YOU.  I'LL DO ME.

She has taught me that life is about remembering the miracles, celebrating them, but most importantly giving back.
How big a heart really can be.

And surely this Christmas ornament is proof that she must simply adore me :)

She has taught me how to be silly, salacious and sardonic and maybe even find some self-confidence in doing it...
Cooking in, especially when cooking with Mark, is way better than going out.  That man has spoiled me to death with food. 
How to be comfortable in my own skin...or at least give it my hardest try.

I am the luckiest.
To have all these women in my life who love me,
who are a part of me,
who I could never have made it this far without.



day seventeen

Oops. 

I promised myself I was going to do this every day and not miss one single day, and yesterday, I forgot.  Why did I forget?  Because I thought it was a good idea to take another job grading SAT essays while I am taking Microbiology, working my two other jobs, and taking care of the kids.  So, yesterday, I actually did sit at my computer all day but I didn't do anything fun but read and read and read....and most of it is the most awful writing you have ever seen in your life.  It makes me scared for the future of America. 

So, with your forgiveness...day number seventeen

(a picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently)

If you read my blog at all, you're aware I was am a teacher.  Nothing ever takes away the heart of a teacher, the love of literature, the love for students.  I keep in contact with so many of my former students and couldn't be more proud of them and all they are doing to make this world just a little bit better. 
To become a teacher, you have to go to college, get a degree, a liscense and a job.  I did all of those things.  I played the "part" as best as I could, but apparently politics was the part of the job I didn't understand. 

So, I said goodbye.  I walked out of that public high school and I didn't look back at the plaque that still read my name, tears streaming down my face.  What had I done?  Why do I have a degree that seems absolutely and completely meaningless now.  (Who wants to hire a teacher with 6 years experience, when they can hire a brand new teacher for a lot less money....especially with all of the budget cuts....).  For a long time I felt like I got screwed...and I was really pissed about it.  This isn't what I signed up for.  I signed up for a stable career that I loved.  That's what everyone said would happen, I mean right??? 

But 12 months ago in June, I made the decision that I was going to leave the mold I had so carefully prepared for my life and I was going to take a leap of....

And when I say faith, I mean an idea so out of left field it seemed incredulous.  Become a nurse?  Me?  I barely passed Chemistry in high school.  But I did it (well, almost....as soon as Micro is over).  I have taken 34 credit hours in the last 12 months.  That's the equivalent of being a full time student on a college campus.  At the same time, I have worked as an office manager, taught two classes one day a week at a homeschool co-op, and graded SAT essays whenever I got offered a job.  Have I mentioned my kids yet?  Oh, yeah...and the kids, and all the things that come along with them.  They are, however, my favorite job.

This is disjointed and rambling, but I have to laugh whenever someone asks me how "wedding planning" is going.  HA HA!  Wedding?  Oh, yeah...I am engaged.  That must be why my left hand feels heavy.  One day we'll get married...I promise.  Just don't ask me when.  Because, truthfully, I have no freaking idea.

So...to the point of this...I guess it's a little conceited but along with the faith that I could move mountains (a mantra I repeat to myself a lot), something that has inspired me is me.  And that is why it doesn't matter that I have a degree I might never use again.  It matters that I will have a degree in a career that I will love.  It matters that I am showing my kids what hard work means.  It matters that for once, I stepped out in faith, and I made it come true.

And that's it.

day sixteen

(a picture of someone who inspires you)

A woman who went to college with an infant, even when everyone else said she couldn't.
A woman who went to law school with two children, and still managed to be apart of every aspect of their lives.
A woman who never stopped telling her children that she loved them and was proud of them.
A woman who loved her husband, through the good times and the bad.

A woman who worked tirelessly for others, even through cancer, chemo, radiation, masectomy, more chemo...she never, ever stopped.

I needed to call you yesterday, Deb.  I needed to talk to you, I needed you to tell me that I was okay, that this motherhood thing isn't as easy as it seems.  And you weren't there.  And I was as struck by the grief as the chilling moment I heard "code blue" in the hospital.  You are missed.  So, so, so much.  You would be so proud right now.  Both of your babies are engaged, happy and in love.  I know you would love to be here, planning your baby girl's wedding.  I know I wanted you here for mine.

Today's post is dedicated entirely to Deb Hepler, who inspired me in a MILLION ways, but more importantly taught me about love.  I can think of no one more fitting.

"Life is brief, even at its longest.
Whatever you are going to do with your life, get at it.
All good will be attacked. All values must be defended.
In all areas of the human existence, what we put into this world, we get back from it." Jim Rohn

halfway there-day fifteen

annoyed of all these numbers, yet? 
Too bad.
It's made me write every day, and that has been cathartic for me.

(a picture that shows your true self)

This was admittedly a hard one for me.  I am usually the one on the other side of the camera.  And today, particularly, I have a heavy heart.  And you know how sometimes, music just speaks to you?  You don't mean for it, too, you don't even really know why you are emotional, but all of a sudden a song has you in tears.  A blog I read and love, Enjoying the Small Things, has a playlist, and Kelle has this song on it, and I admittedly go it probably five times a day, just to listen to this song.  Because I believe it.  For me and for you, whoever you might be, and wherever life has you right now.  The picture I've included is a picture that was taken unaware, I was staring off into space, and I'm not even sure I know what I was thinking about...  But I know that when I look in my eyes, I see some sliver of strength, and that keeps me going....

"Ain't No Reason"
Brett Dennen

There ain’t no reason things are this way.

Its how they always been and they intend to stay.

I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints in seance,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.

I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,

You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.

People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,

Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen

Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.

But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.

Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.

Working your fingers bear to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that’s filled with coal, suffocatin’ slow.

The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.

The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

day number fourteen

(a picture of someone you could never imagine your life without)

I could never, ever imagine my life not as a mother.  And I don't know if everyone feels this way, maybe it's because I ALWAYS wanted kids...and lots of them!  13 was the magical number in fact, for years and years until I started mentally thinking about how much food that was for breakfast...then I started to rethink that #. :).  (this is not a joke, you can verify it with my sisters...haha). 

But...circumstances as they may be, while my body WANTS to have lots of kids (as in I get preggo easily) it is so NOT GOOD at actually having them.  Scratch that, I give my body a big fat D- for pregnancy.  I call Katie my magic miracle because she survived being born at 29 weeks.  And I honestly thought that I would have an only child, and that was going to have to be okay.  (how weird...I was just talking to a girlfriend about this ;)  But then my biggest surprise came along, and I got to have a son, and Katie got to have a little brother.  I will be grateful all my days for the gifts of their lives, literally.

Some days, okay a lot of days, I feel unqualified and underprepared for this great big task called motherhood.  Look at these lives...they are my babies...unbelievable.  I'm still in awe of them. 

I've said it once, I'll say it again,
I would scream it from the rooftops if you asked...

You are the best things I've ever done.
(and I could never imagine my life without you.)

day number thirteen

(a picture of your favorite band or artist)

Always...no matter what, Dave Matthews will be my favorite band.  And I get in arguments with people sometimes when they say DMB is just a big sellout, and it's all commercial crap, etc.  Because that isn't true.  And the whole "early poop release" from the tour bus...clearly a stoned driver is to be blamed.

The live music at a Dave show is such an amazing experience.  Some of the best nights of my life have been standing in the lawn at Deer Creek, totally into the music, singing every word, loving every sense. 

Yeah...this guy does it for me...  No show has ever been the same, and I have never been dissapointed. 

i love me some dmb <3



day number twelve

(A picture of something you love)

I really love my engagement ring. 



And...

little boys and green nerf guns

stunning bathtub art

and I love the way they love.