you have stolen my heart

i love you

If you were falling,
then I would catch you

You need a light,
I'd find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning

And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly,
here take my sweater

Your head is aching;
I'll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby

And you take me the way I am

(ingrid michaleson)

remember this little girl?

well....she's not so little anymore.
and i'm afraid there may just be a competition for princess of the house :)

(I almost died the first time I saw her on KJ's couch...but it was so cute, I had to take a picture)

i love my abbykins.

and fall arrives...

Cooler temperatures are overtaking...and it's time to admit that fall is officially here. These pictures are from several weeks ago, and I meant to post them, but with all of the craziness in our lives, I didn't get around to it. I wish now I had, mama deb would have liked to see the kids having so much fun on the climbing dome they got for their birthdays (thanks papa jay too!). It was the last of one of those days when sweatshirts was still enough and we were happy to stay outside as long as we could...sadly, I fear those days are coming to an end...

monkey #1
monkey #2
(who i am SO proud of...he used to not be able to even climb on the bars of this, and now swings as high as his little legs will take him

my sweet long-legged daydreamer

oh, he's cute

sometimes i am lucky enough to just catch them like this...after carter has fallen down, or katie has gotten her feelings hurt, usually....they are very sweet to one another. i am lucky.

and maybe...just maybe...these days won't continue to feel so dark and cold, and the sun will come back, even if just for a few days.

school picture day!

Today marked Katie and Carter's first experience at posing for school pictures :) (they missed last year's at preschool because they started the day after they were taken...). We weren't five seconds into the door before both kids started taking their clothes off as fast as they could. With a little bribe...I stopped the undressing festivities and got both kids to smile for me.

Really...could it be possible for her to be any cuter?? Even without her adorable
purple matching sweater, she is an absolute doll.

who would have thought that my little girl who despises dresses would be so happy
in her pretty purple dress

Carter also had a very cute sweater over his dress shirt...but even without it
I can't believe what a handsome little boy he is. So big. TOO big!

oh how I love this little face


I'd give all wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of Life's decay,
To be once more a little child
For one bright summer day.
(Lewis Carroll, "Solitude")

she would have loved those flowers...

Explaining death to a 4 and a 3 year old has been one of the most difficult things I have experienced as a mother of two toddlers. I did not anticipate that either child would really "get it," but I hoped that this would be a real chance for me as a mother to be able to represent to them the heavenly hope of eternal life. They know about heaven. They know God, I believe, in a way that I could only dream of. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" (Matthew 19:14). I have prayed for the peace that passes all understanding to calm their little hearts, and to settle their fears...and then I have forced myself to trust that I have not failed in this great task of motherhood.

Carter has not yet grasped the understanding of the fact that he will not see his mama deb again on this earth. He keeps asking when we are going back to the hospital, and wants to know how she is feeling. I do not press the issue, but rather just let him talk out what he is experiencing in his great big soul of a child. He is sensitive and sweet, ever worried about how mama deb is feeling and still wants to color pictures to help her feel better, help mommy make more muffins to take to the hospital, etc. I think his biggest worry is why mommy and Eric are sad. My little buddy, I want you to know that I saw how tightly you held onto your papa jay...as if you were trying your hardest to take away the sorrow, to wipe away every tear. Your heart is beautiful.

My Katie Jade is having an even more difficult time as she attempts to process the information. I will explain to her what has happened, and she will look at me, straight in the eyes, and say "okay, mommy" as if she really does understand, but then five minutes later will want to know when mama deb is going to feel better...and thus, the cycle has continued. It is increasingly hard for me, as I deal with my own grieving, to have to say over and over that mama deb is not here anymore, but that we will see her again. I have asked God for an extra measure of grace as I do this for my daughter without breaking down every time. Aunt Becky was so kind, and went to Borders to find a book that would help me explain to Katie what happens to people after they die. I imagine it will be a book that we reread often. And that's going to have to be okay with me. I know that her memory will stay alive in the hearts of my children because Eric and I will be faithful to talk about the impact that she had on their lives, and on the lives of so many. Despite his irritation at the sudden lack of space on our hard drive, I know that Eric (and maybe even the rest of the family) is glad that in the 2 years that we have been together thus far I have taken 8,000 pictures and counting.

A couple of days before the funeral, Eric and I took the children to mama deb and papa jay's house to visit with family and perhaps give them more of an understanding that although she is not here, we can remember her, talk about her, say how much we love her and how much we miss her. I have focused very strongly on making sure that the children don't think I am asking them to sit around in misery and sorrow, but rather been open to letting them experience their own emotions, whatever they may be as they come and go. Katie took great joy in leading Eric around by the hand all over Mama Deb's beautiful garden and tomato plants. They picked the ripe cherry tomatoes for our salad, just as she had done with mama deb just two weeks before. Then, she went around and lovingly picked a four year old fistful of flowers from all over the garden. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "these are for mama deb to make her feel better." It was all I could do to hold back the sobs as I hugged her in awe of her childlike innocence and beauty.

Katie....she would have loved those flowers.

grief.

I wish with all of my heart that I didn't have to write this.

This morning at 4:35, Deb Hepler passed away. The past 8 days have held more worry, high hopes, crushed dreams and sorrow than I could ever put into words.

I don't know how to tell my Katie and Carter that their Mama Deb is gone. I do know that I will be grateful for all my days for the way she loved them.

We will see you again, mama deb.