1. They will know that I LOVE them wholeheartedly and unconditionally, no matter how much their opinions and or beliefs may differ from mine.
2. They will be respectful members of society with open minds, willing to test their beliefs.
3. They will say that they have been raised in a home of grace, and never condemnation.
the end.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
(I might be back)
I only say "might" because well, I take the biggest test of my life on October 16th, and I'm super super super nervous. Passing the NCLEX means that the last 16 months has been worth every hellish minute, every bitter and desperate tear, every late night and early morning....you get it.
But...I'm finding myself highly distracted by life. I considered deactivating my FB account for about 5 seconds...totally changed my mind, and realized that I need an outlet to think, to reflect and to write.
While I find my voice again that's been buried under 15 layers of normal vital signs, pharmacology, question trainer tests, decision trees and more, I'll use someone else's words. I seem to be pretty good at that. Very often, they just say it better than I.
“Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life
you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look
good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances,
or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth
about who you are.”
(Anne Lamott)
There's still so much I'm finding out about me.
But...I'm finding myself highly distracted by life. I considered deactivating my FB account for about 5 seconds...totally changed my mind, and realized that I need an outlet to think, to reflect and to write.
While I find my voice again that's been buried under 15 layers of normal vital signs, pharmacology, question trainer tests, decision trees and more, I'll use someone else's words. I seem to be pretty good at that. Very often, they just say it better than I.
(Anne Lamott)
There's still so much I'm finding out about me.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
a million words
I love this picture I caught of my little family. I love what we have become and the ways we are still growing and changing. I see Katie, my firstborn, and the daughter who taught me about miracles....so independent, growing so fast. I always thought it was so cliche to say "they grow in the blink of an eye" but it is so true! Granted, we've been through a lot in that blink of an eye, but I'm proud of my kids and the people they are becoming. Carter is growing into his personality and I love watching him grow. Having a son has brought me more joy than I could ever realize.
So, if "a picture speaks a thousand words," to me this one would speak a million. So much love. So much to be grateful for.
These people keep me grounded.
These people are the loves of my life.These people are the reason...for all of it.
I am the lucky one.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
"love will come set me free..."
this is raw...so skip if you'd like...
They (whoever "they" are) say that as you get older, it's supposed to get easier to be more independent as you organize your own lives, find your own niche in the world. It's never gotten one bit easier to be estranged from my father. In fact, getting older has only compounded the hurt. I didn't know how hard it would be to look in the eyes of my children, who have a dedicated, loving, compassionate father, and know that they have a grandpa, their own flesh and blood, they don't know at all. And I've received all kinds of advice, wavering from "just let go" to "be the bigger person." Well, I've tried both, and neither worked.
And then I remembered this passage from a book I re-read recently, and it made sense....a little. There will always be that spot, raw and bruised, hopeful and spiteful all at the same time...a wound that always feels like the scab is being ripped off. I'm still working on this. I am. Right now, that "working" means that I make myself so busy that I just simply can't think about it. It is a tidal wave of grief, loss, and bitterness that ebbs and flows with my intense feelings of guilt and what could I have done better?
We recently took the kids to the NFL Experience downtown, and I took these pictures for my dad...the ever loving Browns fan...thinking that maybe I would be brave enough to send them...maybe I would be brave enough to write since other forms of communication were thwarted. I probably won't.
I liked to think that they would make you laugh...your grandson laughing in his mom's arm and dreaming of being a football player someday. But, alas, these are things you don't know, don't want to know.
And I have to find a way to be myself, and be okay with that.
and this reminded me that I need to be constantly reminding myself of THIS:
"Love is infinitely more powerful than hate."
"That might be your opinion"
"No, that is a fact. You want to know how you really got here...really survived this far?"
I nodded.
"You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. Your parents weren't all hate or abuse. There were tender moments, whether or not you choose to remember them now. There were those moments, however brief, when you felt safe. You felt loved, and you savored every minute of it and held it closest to your heart. And as you grew up, you sought love wherever you could find it. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that, somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it, because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst life can dish out. Toughness was a fault coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That's what has gotten you by."
(pp.157-158)
R. Reiland
Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.
Keep giving it.
Keep receiving it.
Keep relishing it.
new mantra...
p.s. and also keep listening to brett dennan
They (whoever "they" are) say that as you get older, it's supposed to get easier to be more independent as you organize your own lives, find your own niche in the world. It's never gotten one bit easier to be estranged from my father. In fact, getting older has only compounded the hurt. I didn't know how hard it would be to look in the eyes of my children, who have a dedicated, loving, compassionate father, and know that they have a grandpa, their own flesh and blood, they don't know at all. And I've received all kinds of advice, wavering from "just let go" to "be the bigger person." Well, I've tried both, and neither worked.
And then I remembered this passage from a book I re-read recently, and it made sense....a little. There will always be that spot, raw and bruised, hopeful and spiteful all at the same time...a wound that always feels like the scab is being ripped off. I'm still working on this. I am. Right now, that "working" means that I make myself so busy that I just simply can't think about it. It is a tidal wave of grief, loss, and bitterness that ebbs and flows with my intense feelings of guilt and what could I have done better?
We recently took the kids to the NFL Experience downtown, and I took these pictures for my dad...the ever loving Browns fan...thinking that maybe I would be brave enough to send them...maybe I would be brave enough to write since other forms of communication were thwarted. I probably won't.
I liked to think that they would make you laugh...your grandson laughing in his mom's arm and dreaming of being a football player someday. But, alas, these are things you don't know, don't want to know.
and this reminded me that I need to be constantly reminding myself of THIS:
"Love is infinitely more powerful than hate."
"That might be your opinion"
"No, that is a fact. You want to know how you really got here...really survived this far?"
I nodded.
"You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. Your parents weren't all hate or abuse. There were tender moments, whether or not you choose to remember them now. There were those moments, however brief, when you felt safe. You felt loved, and you savored every minute of it and held it closest to your heart. And as you grew up, you sought love wherever you could find it. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that, somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it, because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst life can dish out. Toughness was a fault coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That's what has gotten you by."
(pp.157-158)
R. Reiland
Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.
Keep giving it.
Keep receiving it.
Keep relishing it.
new mantra...
p.s. and also keep listening to brett dennan
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
ephiphany
small as it may be.
every "job" as its really hard thing...my job has multiple really hard things, like really sick patients, dying, embolism stockings....and wiping people's butts.
for as long as I am a nurse (which is going to be a long time)...I'm never going to get over wiping poopy butts. i hate it. i loathe it. i gag trying my hardest not to show in my face what I am feeling.
but on the way home from the hospital tonight....I realized that today, yes, I wiped butts. two in fact. but i also wiped tears.
and that's why being a nurse will always be worth it...
every "job" as its really hard thing...my job has multiple really hard things, like really sick patients, dying, embolism stockings....and wiping people's butts.
for as long as I am a nurse (which is going to be a long time)...I'm never going to get over wiping poopy butts. i hate it. i loathe it. i gag trying my hardest not to show in my face what I am feeling.
but on the way home from the hospital tonight....I realized that today, yes, I wiped butts. two in fact. but i also wiped tears.
and that's why being a nurse will always be worth it...