a moment....hopefully not the last.

It was just a moment. 

One he will never remember, I'm sure. 

But this momma will remember it....and look back and remember that it may possibly be the last time my baby boy ever falls asleep in my arms.  (one can hope I will be proven wrong....)

It happened on a cold afternoon after school, KJ was snuggled up against my other arm playing on my cell phone, and Carter was at my other arm quietly watching Looney Tunes.  Auntie MoMo had come over for dinner and we were talking and I was idly playing with Carter's longer-than-usual hair.  In the middle of a sentence to my sister, I realized that the weight of my son felt different, as if he somehow melted into me.  It was a weight of complete abandonment into his momma's arms. 

(I whispered for Eric to get the camera, just in case Carter decides from now on he's just too big to crawl into his momma's lap and fall asleep, safe and sound, loved beyond words)

I'm thankful for this moment.  I'm thankful for the moments I'm choosing to live in and to savor and to feel, and just to know. 

I am such a lucky mom to have a son.  What a relationship.  What an honor.  May he grow in confidence in the love of his family.  Because, mr. bubba-head you are loved like you don't even know.  SO big. 

I'll always remember and cherish the memories of your sweet hot breath on my neck and the comfort my arms gave you.  Know that you can always run into them.

I'm one lucky mom :)

oh, sweet memories.

to whom it may concern,

Please be patient while I decide if I can trust you.
Let me tell you my story.
The whole story.
In my own way.
I am not a person.
I am this person.
Don't judge me as right or wrong,
good or bad.
I am what I am.
That's all I've got.
Don't assume your knowledge of me is more accurate than mine.
It's not.
You only know what I have told you.
That's only a part of me.
Don't ever think that you know what I should do.
You don't.
I am still the expert about me.
Don't place me in a position of living up to your expectations.
I have enough of my own.
Please hear my feelings.
Not just my words.
Accept all of them.
If you can't, how can I?
Don't try to save me.
It's already been done.

Sincerely,

fall break friday fort

(say that ten times fast....I dare you)

The kids had a big trip to Chicago with their dad planned over Fall Break, so Eric and I decided to keep it low key on Thursday night.  As soon as the kids got home from school, I let them play outside after dinner for as long as they wanted, and then we went to Redbox where they picked out The Lorax, and I built a fort in their living room to snuggle up and watch the movie.

This is getting so sappy, I want to puke.  Truthfully, yes I wanted my kids to have a fun night, but I also kinda wanted to watch tv myself, and keep them occupied with little effort.  Mom confession?  I suppose so.

However, my little boy and girl DID have a blast, and two bowls of popcorn, a bag of Skittles and M&M's they said it was the BEST fort ever.  Do you they make badges for that?

lucky kids.
and a WAY luckier momma.

my identity

I have a million things to say, but my own words are stuck, like in a bottle, just waiting for me to pull the cork.  And I'm not sure when I'm going to be strong enough to do that, but it's not yet. 

However, being COMPLETELY done with nursing school, passing the NCLEX and getting a job (all to be blogged about at a later date), I have actually had time to read real books.  These words struck me:

"I get this feeling sometimes that after the world ends, when God destroys all our building and our flags, we will wish we had seen everybody as equal, that we had eating dinner with prostitutes, held them in our arms, opened up spare rooms for them and loved them and learned from them.  I was just another stupid child in the flow, you know; I didn't know any of these things.  I didn't know it didn't matter what a person looked like, how much money they made or whether or not they were cool.  I didn't know that cool was just a myth and that one person was just as beautiful and meaningful as another.  Not all of us are that smart, you know.  Not all of us run around naked like Adam and Eve.  You can hardly fault me for this stuff, can you?  Like I said, it felt important to climb the social ladder, it felt important to defend my identity, as though it felt like I was saving my own life."
(Donald Miller)

I wish I could rewind fifteen years and say this to myself.  I wish that the strict guilt-inducing education of my past may not have had such an impact on me, and my ability to form an identity.  Maybe not.  There's no way to know now.  But I do know that I want to love the unlovable, to look past pain, sickness, death...

 I am who I am.  It's taken me (almost ) 32 years to get here...but this is me.  Take it or leave it.  I still have so much to work on, but I can no longer apologize for who I am.  I can't do it.....I won't do it.

This is me.

if you don't have anything nice to say...

Gossip is gossip is gossip is gossip. 
Cloak it in whatever words you wish, but it's aim is never to build up, but only to tear down, and so often results in misunderstandings, shredded feelings, and I dare say hearts and relationships that may never recover from its lasting impact.  




“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about

__________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

(Brian P. Cleary)

oh wait, yep...that's still gossip.

when my children are older...

1.  They will know that I LOVE them wholeheartedly and unconditionally, no matter how much their opinions and or beliefs may differ from mine.

2.  They will be respectful members of society with open minds, willing to test their beliefs.

3.  They will say that they have been raised in a home of grace, and never condemnation.

the end.

(I might be back)

I only say "might" because well, I take the biggest test of my life on October 16th, and I'm super super super nervous.  Passing the NCLEX means that the last 16 months has been worth every hellish minute, every bitter and desperate tear, every late night and early morning....you get it.

But...I'm finding myself highly distracted by life.  I considered deactivating my FB account for about 5 seconds...totally changed my mind, and realized that I need an outlet to think, to reflect and to write.

While I find my voice again that's been buried under 15 layers of normal vital signs, pharmacology, question trainer tests, decision trees and more, I'll use someone else's words.  I seem to be pretty good at that.  Very often, they just say it better than I.

“Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.”
(Anne Lamott)

There's still so much I'm finding out about me.