But really, who am I kidding? Maybe someday I'll post some of those pictures, but for now I'm deciding no more back-blogging. (I also reserve the right to change my mind :)
Today, I'm tired. I'm tired of telling my 4 year old son that he can't talk so loud because mommy is listening to an online lecture about Human Physiology and she doesn't understand a single word she is listening to, and quite frankly, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I don't want to tell him to go play. I want to play with him. And that hurts my heart.
Eric went back to work, which is a really good, awesome thing for him, for me, for our family...but it leaves me in charge of the "homefront" and I have NO idea who thought that was a good idea. Anxiety has nestled into my life, placing itself squarely on my shoulders the moment I wake up, and curling around my mind at night. How will I ever do this?
What if I didn't make the right decision? What if I'm missing the best? The best moments KJ and Carter will ever have. I don't know how to answer that question right now....but I'm praying for some peace and some confidence that showing my kids what it means to say you are going to do something and then follow through will be worth something. That they will know what it means to work hard. But I really just want them to know that their momma loves them more than anything. And it's my fear that keeps me from embracing this.
I hate fear. In fact, I just want to turn it off. I know it can't stay gone forever...but maybe just for a little while. No fear, no anxiety, no tossing and turning, no second guessing.
I'll add it to the to-do list. For now, I'm listening to the Sound Transduction by the Inner Hair Cells (YUK) and watching my son play with his Thomas the Train Aqua-Doodle set. And I keep looking over, wishing life was simpler, and I could paint, too.
No more time for whining. Things to do, a person to become, children to raise. And the hope, that maybe, just maybe I'm not screwing it all up.
Okay...maybe just one picture... (or two)
I do NOT intend on being one of them
"when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains"
(curlygirldesignsdotcom)
you are by far
the BEST things
I've ever done.
the BEST things
I've ever done.
2 comments:
I feel you,
but I want you to KNOW
You are doing SO MUCH GOOD.
You are doing good for you, and good for them.
And at the end, you'll be doing good for So Many.
I'll always be cheering you on and believing in you.
I love you, sister.
( and my love has nothing to do with how much you post, or how many of those posts are backblogs ;) )
I realize that you wrote this ages ago, but I just have to comment. I also get that sick feeling when I think of my blog that has been neglected and looks pathetic. Once you take a little break it gets embarrassing when you don't check up on your friends. Preach it, sister :)
Glad that you are back. . .
BTW- I have the boot and will bring it to church :)
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