you know, just the usual night..

there wasn't anything fascinating about today.  I'm sick, have been sick, and am very tired of continuing to be sick.  Wavering between fevers of 100-103.5, basically I've felt like complete crap for days.  On Friday, I slept for 16 hours straight, and was still tired.  I'm over it, and it's really screwing with my school schedule.  So, see ya later fevers and sore throats and antibiotics.  I am optimistically saying that by the end of this weekend I will be sickness free.  So there.

After dinner, showers, jammies and apparent tortuous hair brushing (geez...drama queen) I let the kids pick out a movie.  They aren't feeling well either...and it just felt like a chill kind of night.

and then my little girl asked if she could play with her dollhouse instead...and what mom doesn't beam with pride and say of course!  Carter wanted to watched Iron Man, I was editing some pictures, and I needed to go back to my office.

and there sat my not-so-little girl anymore setting up the family of her dollhouse, taking care of the baby...but most of all, the little moment that brought tears to my eyes...was when the mommy and daddy of her dollhouse family told everyone "I love you." 

I hope that's something I've instilled in her.  Because no matter what, love reigns and prevails and heals.

I know it was just a usual night...a dollhouse and a little girl...but in my heart I hope it was so much more :)

being alone vs. being lonely

I've never been particularly good at being alone.

I almost can't believe I just wrote that, and totally tried to lie,  I love to be alone, and if given the chance would be a hermit.  I'm 97.9% serious.  I don't like to have face to face conversations with people, it makes me nervous and then I go home and analyze everything I've said...I despise the phone, bumbling over myself like an idiot.  I'm not too far gone to realize these are complete self-perceptions, but remain they may.

I guess I meant I've never been particularly good at being lonely.

And sometimes that happens in a crowded room, or alone in my house, or stuck in front of my computer...I feel the lack of affect from not feeling.  I don't that makes sense.  Reminds of the song "The Tin Man" by The Avett Brothers and the chorus:

I miss it
I miss it
I miss that feeling of feeling

the feeling of feeling

I wonder how many people go through this.  Smiling, laughing, participating, talking, engaging but missing the feeling of it all.  I don't want to live like that.  I have so many memories to make with my children, and not because I feel guilty that I only get to see them half the time.  True, lasting memories.  And I want to feel what that is like.  Every second of it. 

I know...another quote from Eat Pray Love, but it really is quite a fantastic book and you should read it....

this is what I'm striving for....

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 

Wow.  This is so true.  And unfortunately, so very very hard to do.  

I'll be working on it, learning my way around it, and just sitting with it.

And so as not to appear completely dark, I'll post a few oldies that make me happy

and hope they spark some feeling that lasts

life isn't always going to feel this way, right?

right.

what a start

Here I am talking about getting back to writing, and I start with someone else's words.  Hmph.

However, in said defense, sometimes people just say it better than you can...

(from Eat, Pray, Love...if you haven't read it, you should, or a hundred times like me :)

"What a large number of factors constitute a single human being!  How vary many layers we operate on, and how very many influences we receive from our minds, our bodies, our histories, our families, our cities, our souls...I came to feel that my depression was probably some ever-shifting assortment of all those factors, and probably also included some stuff I couldn't name or claim. 

So I faced the fight at every level.

I bought all those embarrassingly titled self-help books...I commenced to getting profession help with a therapist who was as kind as he was insightful.  I prayed like a novice nun...I drank enough of that damn St. John Wart's tea to cheer up a whole Russian gulag, to no noticeable effect.  I exercised.  I exposed myself to the uplifting arts and carefully protected myself from sad movies, books and songs.

until finally...I sat down in the middle of the road like that, and said "I cannot walk one step further, someone has to help me."

elizabeth gilbert




p.s. does it ever go away?

hi

Hello.

Nice to see you again, old friend.

Don't have too many words...all my creative juice has been sapped by memorizing the respiratory system and every single thing that could ever go wrong with it. 

I'm desperate for a return to some expression of creativity, lest I become what I most fear...the absolute most boring girl in the world.  I'm gettin' there people, seriously...

So if I can't write all that's on shoulders right now, I'll at least get out a fresh notebook (ie change my header) sharpen some fresh pencils (update pictures) and know that when I'm ready, there will be a better place for me to write.

I'm back....
kinda

so much I want to do...

I have some big plans for my Christmas Break from nursing school...

I don't know what got into me...maybe I really am trying to find anything to do but study.

We live in a great house.  It is perfect with just enough quirks to keep us busy.  Until yesterday, you would have never known we had a fourth bedroom.  The door stayed SHUT, because neither of us wanted to face the six feet piles of boxes and crap that covered the floor.

You see...when two adults move in together with all their stuff, that leads to a whole bunch of duplicates and merging...and just a general mess.  Then, add two kids and an overly sentimental mom and now we have crates as high as the ceiling with every picture my kids have colored (is this totally insane?), preschool work, kindergarten work, baby keepsakes, you get the picture.

Then you have to combine my hobbies, which apparently I chose because they have the most amount of crap.  There's my sewing machine, lots of fabric, more yarn than you could imagine and about sixteen half finished scarves... :(  Oh..and let's not forget scrapbooking and card-making.  MAJOR LOADS OF STUFF.

But I did it.
I wanted to play Monopoly on Playstation and kick the computer's butt, but I didn't stop, and now we both have an office and I can study without driving the rest of my family nuts, and Eric can make important business calls without trying to avoid the background noise of two dogs, a 5 & 6 year old. 

My list is SO SO long, but here's a dent. 
Something to feel proud of...maybe that's what I really needed.

good idea, corinne...good idea

Since nursing school has been SOOO easy lately, and I only have two 12 hour clinical shifts a week, plus studying, plus my children, plus the wedding....I thought it would be a good idea to take a second job.

good, idea corinne...good idea

NOT!  What was I thinking?  I'm finding myself trying to work and study at the same time...and it's not working.  So mostly I'm just working.  And the fact that I'm getting married in 17 days is only a little bit freaking me out.  (okay, actually a lot of bit)....

So, what do we in stressful situations?  I find humor.  Because, quite frankly, if I can't laugh I'll just cry.

I can't tell you what I'm doing at the threat of losing my job for "security reasons"....but I thought you might enjoy getting to laugh with me at the minds of the future leaders of America....

*Did you know that George Washington and Martin Luther King Jr. marched hand in hand against slavery?  News to me.  Maybe I wasn't paying attention that day.

*If everyone was allow to do what they pleased then what is the pointe of lawn inforccement?
I couldn't agree more.  Those lawn inforcers.  They get me everytime

*Criminals are not self converted people.  That's why we have jail cells.
What?

*You should carry your worth discipline and your etiquette discipline with you wherever you go.
So....that's been the problem all long, I keep forgetting my etiquette discipline!

*In the Constitution of States it says that you have freedom until you harm another.
What?  Why?  oh....just....nervermind

see...this is fun, right?  since I'm trying to limit my amount of crying while in nursing school, I've decided to cry with laughter.  It's good for the mind. 

*a 74 word sentence (that I will not subject you to)
i cannot tell a lie.  periods, people.  use 'em.

*Many full-proof scientific studies over the years have shown that infants who delay their gratifying will have more life long success.
study?  ha!  this "study" is full of something...and it's not proof!

Okay, I'll stop now...I really am kinda afraid of getting fired by the powers at be.  Hopefully they have better things to do than read my blog. 

And because no blog post would be complete without some kind of picture, I will show you two children that I guarantee will know that George Washington and Martin Luther King Jr. did not live at the same time.  They will also use periods.  Actually, they will use all grammar correctly.  Aren't they lucky to have a (former) English teacher as a mom?? 

journey

It's amazing really, what growing up does to you.  It doesn't promise to make you stronger, or more wise, or more careful about whose land (and heart) you're treading on. 

The road is there...we all have to walk it. 

And the baggage...it comes.  Every single little dirty, duct taped piece.

I've left a few of those pieces along the way...actually managing to discard that which I was no longer forced to carry.  And some have still remained.

But I'm trading in my long black veil....

and blame and shame...I'm letting you go, too.

i have paid my price.