perspective.

Honestly, I have no idea what happened to me.  I don't.  It's like in the last ten years I have completely morphed into someone I barely recognize sometimes.  What gives? (rhetorical question...clearly)

In high school, I was thrilled to get a C in Math...any kind of math, but especially Geometry, if I remember correctly.  And, it wasn't for lack of trying, I swear.  I went in for extra help at lunch and even stayed late sometimes (when I wasn't working full time or playing basketball).  I always just kinda realized that math is never going to be my strong suit. 

So I went to college and majored in English.  Ha!

No, for real.  I was NOT a freak about my grades in high school, although I graduated with a 3.8 (measly compared to the FOUR 4.0 valedictorians that we had), so I wasn't a horrible student.  I was just good at what I was good at, and tried the best I could at the rest. 
I guess the transition must have started happening when I went to college.  I was SO out of my league it wasn't even funny, both in the athletic venue I was pursuing, and in the academic venue.  I quickly, quickly, quickly learned that reading To Kill a Mockingbird as your senior novel, was not the norm of Taylor students.  I was surrounded by people who had read a TON of books, books I had never even heard of.  And that semester, I kinda sucked.  Granted, I will give myself a little bit of break in that I did have ankle surgery...three times, was on crutches and had a screw through the bones of my ankle.  But I got a 2.97.  A 2.97!  What?  I had never, never, ever gotten below a 3.0 in my life.  I was ashamed of myself, no less the resistance I got at home about it.  So...for the next couple years, I played catch-up BIG time!  I won't lie, there were times I nodded during conversations about literature when I had absolutely no freaking idea what was being talked about.  But I could sit down and have a conversation with you about postmodernism over a cup of coffee (oohh...wouldn't that be fun!).  No, for real, all English-dorkiness aside, I had to learn very quickly how to study, how to write papers, really the whole nine yards.  I don't know who reads this blog, and I'm not sure I really care if I put it out there that I am convinced I received a sub par high school education.  Like really sub par.  I'm not mad about it, it's whatever now, but I'm just sayin'.  And I wouldn't be afraid to say it to anyone else, either, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

....stop....typing.....so....fast......

I graduated from an academically acclaimed university .02 GPA points away from honors.  I am proud of that.  I am proud that I wrote a 28 page senior paper about the role of women in Gustave Flaubert's Madame Bovary and Virginia Woolfe's To the Lighthouse.  I am proud that I endured student teaching, which is basically like feeding adults to teen aged students in small bites and bottling their screams of terror to listen to later and laugh at.  I am proud that I finished my degree, that I have a Bachelors of Science Degree from Taylor University.  There, I said it, all big like and acclaimed. 

But then, unfortunately, I didn't love what I went to school for.  No, let me correct that.  I love teaching.  I love it.  I love kids.  I love reading.  I love making kids love to read.  I love seeing the light in students eyes when they sympathize or connect with a character.  I love being passionate about literature to students.  I love connecting with students, seeing past their exteriors and understanding them in ways perhaps they don't have...and desperately need.  What I don't love is bureaucracy.  I don't love men in big scary suits who think they can dominate you with their big scary voices and ominous presence.  I don't like feeling like a rat who is spinning an endless wheel.  I don't like being accused of things that are beyond your wildest dreams and being stripped of any way to defend myself.  And when I was found "innocent"  I was offered the chance to resign.  There's your present...enjoy that pie.  Walking out of that school with all my boxes should not have been as heartbreaking as it was.  I miss that room, sometimes.  A lot.  And I miss those kids.  And I am so happy that so many of them still keep in touch with me.  So happy.

So here I am...with this degree and a whole hell of a lot of student loans, and although I never lost the passion, I lost the drive.  I lost what it takes to be a teacher.  I lost the ability to deal with the BS and just get through.  My second teaching job barely lasted six months...I was done.  Which brings me here...to this kitchen table which is littered with stapled powered presentations, highlighted textbooks, pens, planner, my cell phone and a whole bunch of other crap.  And I just took two tests.  TWO.  ON THE SAME DAY.  That is so rude.  And they were both unbelievably hard.  My Physiology test was over 6 hours of lecture, and 6 chapters of a textbook...in one week.  My Anatomy test (not the labeling part, the multiple question part) was over 3 Power Point presentations that were 150+ slides EACH.  And there is a part of me that says, wow that's a lot....you should do the best you can.  And then the other, evil, weirdo part of me completely freaks out and has to be perfect.  B's arent' even okay anymore.  I cry.  I throw things.  I would go so far as to say I punish myself mentally to the point of exhaustion.  I've got to stop.

I have got to stop rambling...as well.

So, perspective is clearly needed here.  And I'm no good at being positive towards myself, I'm working on it, but well, yeah...
So here's a list of positve things I've done:
I got an A in Chemistry.  I had an awesome tutor.  I actually understood what I was doing.  I felt smart.  I..got..an...A...in...Chemistry.  Five words I never thought I'd utter.
I also got an A in Statistics, a mathematics based class that had problems that were PAGES long.  What?  Me?  This is a certain recipie for disaster.  But, alas, a good professor who never belittled me, a lot of studying and persistence.  And voila..an A.
I have also gotten an A in Abnormal Psychology, Human Growth and Development, Human Nutrition and Pre-Nursing I.
That's all A's....

until now...

Human Anatomy and Human Physiology is taking me down.  I just can't seem to get above a B on a test.  And not for lack of studying...believe me.  I have foregone everything enjoyable in my life for this program, and I'm getting B's.  UGHH!  I want to be so mad at myself.  I want to point fingers at the person in the mirror and scream: you're a failure!  But, that's ridiculous.  One part of my head says this, so it must be true.

I'm getting B's in A&P.  And I'm darn proud of it. 
(I really didn't believe that at all, but it was a step in the right direction.)

Perspective, people, perspective.

And in the words of my babiest sister and my momma "sometimes, you just gotta give yourself a break."

Peace.  (I'm hoping for my own)